I live my life smoking too many malboro's. Hiding too much vomit. Drinking too much alcohol. Not enough studying. Uni attendance is a disgrace. Kissing boys with girlfriends. Eluding those who care for me. These are pastimes of the reckless. And I could not give a shit,

Hilarity can appear from unlikely causes Eating disorders are no fun and games but nevertheless an extremely comedic thing arose yesterday  This is perhaps not a story every one will appreciate prudes among us may wish to leave now. One of my best guy friends and his girlfriend have now on three occasions been caught leaving the bathroom/bedroom with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Much laughter at his expense has happened especially since we wormed it out of him that yes it was going on his dick.  But are you not absolutely horrified ?!  Not by the act itself albeit its a tad kinky for 18 year olds a mere 3 months  into their relationship. But oh my goodness by the calories  ! Because admit you're body conscious during sex (and indeed all other times) but sex is good exercise maybe some of us ( or just me, myself and I ) have used this to justify sex with boy you probably shouldn't.  But the adding of calorific cream and chocolate ?  My goodness the thought , do you not recoil in horror at the very thought? How far has my mind twisted ?  Or maybe I just find the whole affair hilarious because said boy and I were far to close than was acceptable on monday , we were smashed , no excuse for him , I still feel like a bit of an awful person . But I guess now its cool as he and her will be happily ever after as there will be no  whipped cream from me ! 

A jet black mood. That's all it takes for one realise that eventually, one day, it is fairly inevitable that "I'd rather just die" is the thought that will eventually win. I cannot be bothered. Enduring this life is not living, how long can one remain in limbo between living and dying. Surely eventually it will end. Sometimes I want to ask people if they have ever wished they were dead , luckily I am still in a rational enough state of mind to deduce that posing that question is unlikely to end well for me. I have at 18 years of age never dated. I can't let someone else love me, I could never kill myself as it would ruin my parents, once hey are gone will I stick around ? Who knows I do not need a partner to love me and prevent me from leaving. Besides no one deserves to be dragged into my depression. If depression didn't exist what would we be like ?

There's no such thing as an honest anorexic That's one thing I haven't ever seen any where as a consequence of an eating disorder. Consequence? The fact you will become a top class deceiver, don't blame yourself it's not your fault really you are probably kind and honest but eating disorders will do that to you. To keep the fact your wasting aaway top secret at some point your going to have to lie and manipulate. Maybe one day your little lies will be caught like a mouse by a lion, but eating disorders don't give up for anyone not even the king of the jungle. You will be tired, fed up , over the honeymoon period, wanting nothing more than to collapse into the world of recovery. Tough shit love, cause you better believe you will lie and manipulate your way out of that mess. Worst part is as it is people you love that you will deceive. Currently the family think I've had a nasty appetite suppressing bout of flu. The friends and flat mates think the parents bought me a gym membership for Christmas The truth is I'm just not eating As much as somewhere I can feel that I'm being a shitebag. I'm destructively attached to my lies there is not anyone who can stop me on this road of self destruction.

this year xmas cannot win that is all

Hating on Christmas ever so much This time of year makes me depressed always. This year i have been alot better. I am still mental, crazy, weird some people are, and always will be. I have accepted it and I wouldn't change it for the world. Depression is not a bad awful thing. I wouln't think creativly or have the ambition that I do if I did not suffer from depression. But yes currently I am rather in the blue. Extremley apathetic to everything. Not eating alot because I have lost my appetite. Danger Danger. Too late. RELAPSED. It should feel awful, but a weight has lifted. I feel secure. As in I feel safe. In a bubble protected. Blissfully self destructing, that is life of us. Its tormenting cruel and twisted, but so is the real world. which is worse? Neither is better or worse. so I drift between worlds of light and darkness but I cant distinguish reality in either. Always drifting like a lost boat. Love Rain

Uni is finished
had about 18 hours sleep for the whole of last week
so sleepy

i may have developed a bit of an alcohol problem
i almost got fired from my job
im better now

the supermarket beside me has a reallygood deal on tropicana orange juie right
no food only orange juice for 3 days
lost 8lbs

love

You know how they say an eating disorder never truly goes away?

well they were correct

yes i disappeared

the whole my blog, written by me, about my life with an eating disorder being published in a national magazine debacle

well that kinda made quit blogging
i have now deleted all old posts
deleting all your comment deeply upset me i love you all and your words so much
if anybody is still here ???


i decided to accept i was rubbish and i was just going ot have to accept the wieght i was

however my weight has crept up and up theres the reasons for this which will be revealed soon enough me and blogger well we have some cathing up to do i was still purging fairly regulary
went through a phase of vomitting about 2-3am thus sleeping in all the time thus i almost lost my job

12th of may uni finishes so ill be blogging more regualry after that

but just to say it snapped
ive lost 8lbs in 2.5 weeks
i intend to make it 10 by the end of 3 weeks

to anyone there who is just flirting with an eating disorder
go away this is shit that you can never get rid of
anorexia will not make you thin
NEVER EVER EVER
because if you have anorexia then you will ALWAYS be fat
and then dead



(in the mind that is... and if you didnt understand that you do not have a disorder !)