Tuesday, 3 January 2017
I deleted all my old posts Didn't even read them back, usually I would but I couldn't even read the titles. 5 years since I've been here - old posts just seem so stupid and childish I'd like to say they've been 5 glorious Anorexia free years, they weren't, they were 5 years of hard work to stay healthy. I was, as far as a mentally unwell person goes, Happy. Somewhere along the line it stopped working, The strangest part is I don't know when A few bumpy days (but everybody has those right). Nothing out of the ordinary, sometimes you just don't feel like eating much for a few days? AHAHA wrong - just an FYI if your eating disordered you're forever a slave to the thoughts of food. Anyway It turned to a dodgy kinda week, then some iffy months, purging on the odd occasion, starting to experience dizziness and blackouts, periods becoming irregular, everything hurts, wounds and bruises take a long time to heal and I'm cold. SO COLD This all passed me by unnoticed, I had fleeting thoughts of "something isn't right" and "perhaps it's time to go back to therapy" however this were few and far between Next thing I know I'm standing in my kitchen and I have a light bulb moment. . I don't buy cheese any more - when did that happen? . Theres a bag of pasta in the cupboard that's been there for months - when did I stop eating pasta every other day? . I take my coffee black - When did I stop enjoying the phenomenal lattes and *shudders* Mocha's one of my colleagues makes ? (we have a badass coffee machine at work!) . I used to socialised when I travel with work - when did I start cowering alone in my hotel room as dinner with people I barely know is unbearable? Ridiculous right?! I thought about it long and hard and noticed so many other things . I spend ages in the supermarket again just looking at all the food I'll probably never purchase . Making a big show of eating plenty of food around people . Especially my mother . Baking delicious treats for everybody but eating none myself - FYI my cheesecake is apparently the stuff of legends! . I'm anxious, fearful, of just about everything . I actually notice that my periods are irregular . I stop chalking up the dizziness and blackouts to "just being a bit tired/dehydrated" God damn old habits die hard How could I not have noticed, why didn't I visit professional help sooner? Now I'm past that point where I want to I don't sleep till I've done certain exercises. How could I not have noticed I'm exhaustedly waiting for a boy to sleep so I can get out of bed to secretly do sit ups whilst he blissfully snores beside me. It's actually insane I missed this little quirk for months now Lost 7lbs, It made me feel like I've never been happier Now isn't that a scary bullshit thought!