dancing through raindrops
fly away
Tuesday 3 January 2017
1
I deleted all my old posts
Didn't even read them back, usually I would but I couldn't even read the titles.
5 years since I've been here - old posts just seem so stupid and childish
I'd like to say they've been 5 glorious Anorexia free years, they weren't, they were 5 years of hard work to stay healthy. I was, as far as a mentally unwell person goes, Happy.
Somewhere along the line it stopped working,
The strangest part is I don't know when
A few bumpy days (but everybody has those right). Nothing out of the ordinary, sometimes you just don't feel like eating much for a few days?
AHAHA wrong - just an FYI if your eating disordered you're forever a slave to the thoughts of food.
Anyway
It turned to a dodgy kinda week, then some iffy months, purging on the odd occasion, starting to experience dizziness and blackouts, periods becoming irregular, everything hurts, wounds and bruises take a long time to heal and I'm cold. SO COLD
This all passed me by unnoticed, I had fleeting thoughts of "something isn't right" and "perhaps it's time to go back to therapy" however this were few and far between
Next thing I know I'm standing in my kitchen and I have a light bulb moment.
. I don't buy cheese any more - when did that happen?
. Theres a bag of pasta in the cupboard that's been there for months - when did I stop eating pasta every other day?
. I take my coffee black - When did I stop enjoying the phenomenal lattes and *shudders* Mocha's one of my colleagues makes ? (we have a badass coffee machine at work!)
. I used to socialised when I travel with work - when did I start cowering alone in my hotel room as dinner with people I barely know is unbearable?
Ridiculous right?!
I thought about it long and hard and noticed so many other things
. I spend ages in the supermarket again just looking at all the food I'll probably never purchase
. Making a big show of eating plenty of food around people
. Especially my mother
. Baking delicious treats for everybody but eating none myself - FYI my cheesecake is apparently the stuff of legends!
. I'm anxious, fearful, of just about everything
. I actually notice that my periods are irregular
. I stop chalking up the dizziness and blackouts to "just being a bit tired/dehydrated"
God damn old habits die hard
How could I not have noticed, why didn't I visit professional help sooner? Now I'm past that point where I want to
I don't sleep till I've done certain exercises.
How could I not have noticed I'm exhaustedly waiting for a boy to sleep so I can get out of bed to secretly do sit ups whilst he blissfully snores beside me. It's actually insane I missed this little quirk for months now
Lost 7lbs, It made me feel like I've never been happier
Now isn't that a scary bullshit thought!
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